wuss...wuss...shih-tzu...wuss...

after spending way too much time thinking about the constitutional law of incarceration, i'm taking a much-needed study break this evening.

right now i'm watching beavis and butt-head DVDs. after an entire day [and an entire evening, yesterday...] of trying to process dense constitutional concepts, there's nothing better than watching two miscreants continuously fail at being cool and getting laid.

earlier tonight, the internet bestowed upon me a gift all too rare nowadays: new jonathan lee riches © lawsuits! they're not rare because he has stopped filing them...au contraire, he is filing them at an even more rapid-fire pace than ever. but, justia has stopped being so faithful about posting them whenever they are filed. it had gotten to the point that i was considering paying the eight cents a page to get them off of PACER. i still may, since some hilarious-sounding suits¹ have not yet been posted.

some of the suits posted today contained some real gems. observe:

• sue grafton's next hit book is called "v is for michael vicktimize."
• old and busted: girls gone wild. new hotness: jon gone wild [in solitary confinement].
  
• the no child left behind act violates the constitution because "the short bus left me behind, and put its exhaust to my face, that's why we have global warming."
• the new jersey devils should be renamed the new jersey beef jerkys, and have been running with van halen.
• dr. blood's orgy of organs has a problem with ohio state players receiving playstations, 2pac cd's, and countrywide home loans.

this man has such a promising career as a humour writer or performance artist when he gets out of prison.


***
¹ such as riches v. the btk killer, riches v. thanksgiving, and riches v. 843-387-9400 and the jonathan lee riches federal indictment.

some friendly advice

dear baseball players,

a lot of you are really stupid. how do i know this?

i'm reading the mitchell report. i was reading it for gossip purposes: just to see what baseball players were named as steroid users. call it car-crash curiosity.

instead, this report has become a masterpiece of unintentional humour. i'll give all of you baseball players who want to use steroids a little tip: do them in the comfort of your own home. do them in private, and stash them in private places. have your steroids mailed to your home.

presenting: steroid don'ts, courtesy of the mitchell report.

• don't keep your steroids in your glove compartment.
• don't keep your steroids in your team locker at the ballpark.
• don't have your steroids shipped to the stadium.
  
• (warning: if you're this stupid, you're probably going to have your contract optioned to a league that is not major league baseball. you don't want that, do you?)
  
• don't buy your steroids in the parking lot at spring training.
• don't take your steroids across national borders.
  
• (yes, Canada counts as another country.)
• don't buy your steroids from the team trainer.
  
• don't buy your steroids from the team's bullpen catcher.
• (extra super helpful hint: if you are a bullpen catcher, and you're trying to traffic in marijuana, do not cover the box of pot with pine tar and stick a padlock on it. that looks a little suspicious.)

if you follow these little bits of advice, you'll be much happier...or at least less likely to be caught using performance-enhancing drugs. ☺

love,
the persecuted crack smoker

a merry CTA christmas

the original author of this little bit of doggerel is unknown. but, inqueery posted this on chicago_el, and it amused me greatly. so...i invite you all to share in my amusement.

( put down your coffee before clicking here. i am not responsible if you destroy your keyboard due to an ill-timed sporfle. )

poor santa.

actuality? this actually sucks.

on january 1, court tv is becoming "truTV".

their tagline? "it's not reality. it's actuality."

all of the teaser clips were salacious scenes of rescues and skydiving and the like.

this makes me sad. court tv was entertaining. it was nice to have a channel where i could depend on being able to watch things like trials and crime stories. sure, the evening programming has been on its way down over the last couple of years, but the last thing we need is another reality channel. they should have fixed it, taken the channel back to its roots. that channel was so great when i was in high school.

goodbye, court tv. i'll miss you.