some friendly advice

[faceless_wonder]

dear baseball players,

a lot of you are really stupid. how do i know this?

i'm reading the mitchell report. i was reading it for gossip purposes: just to see what baseball players were named as steroid users. call it car-crash curiosity.

instead, this report has become a masterpiece of unintentional humour. i'll give all of you baseball players who want to use steroids a little tip: do them in the comfort of your own home. do them in private, and stash them in private places. have your steroids mailed to your home.

presenting: steroid don'ts, courtesy of the mitchell report.

• don't keep your steroids in your glove compartment.
• don't keep your steroids in your team locker at the ballpark.
• don't have your steroids shipped to the stadium.
  
• (warning: if you're this stupid, you're probably going to have your contract optioned to a league that is not major league baseball. you don't want that, do you?)
  
• don't buy your steroids in the parking lot at spring training.
• don't take your steroids across national borders.
  
• (yes, Canada counts as another country.)
• don't buy your steroids from the team trainer.
  
• don't buy your steroids from the team's bullpen catcher.
• (extra super helpful hint: if you are a bullpen catcher, and you're trying to traffic in marijuana, do not cover the box of pot with pine tar and stick a padlock on it. that looks a little suspicious.)

if you follow these little bits of advice, you'll be much happier...or at least less likely to be caught using performance-enhancing drugs. ☺

love,
the persecuted crack smoker

Comments

[windofderange.livejournal.com]

wait wait wait!! . . . Canada's another country?!?

[faceless-wonder.livejournal.com]

i know, i know. it's a difficult concept. but...when a land is subject to a government and laws different from our own, that usually means it's another country.

it's a hard concept for anyone, but important to learn, especially in the context of not getting busted by the border patrol.

[windofderange.livejournal.com]

yeah, and how!