look, i twittered today!

• 09:01 i have my phone back. Jama, who drives Chicago cab #6210, is the BEST CAB DRIVER EVER. #
• 10:42 @nathaner AMEN. if i were not totally slammed today, i'd be at that firehouse right now. #
• 13:50 @skipp i've been to micro center a few times, and the one constant has been staff that don't know jack about computers. #
• 15:36 so sick of thinking. #
• 00:07 sleepy. #

don't blame me, blame loudtwitter.

crack smokers do not have a complete monopoly on being stupid.

this blog has a clearly crack-related focus. this makes a few stupid people who use drugs other than crack feel a little left out sometimes, and inspires them to do things that are so stupid that i will write about them anyway, despite the fact that there is no crack involved.

take one law student in connecticut, who was working an internship with the public defender's office. now, if you're a law student in connecticut, especially one who is interning in a job related to criminal law, a few things should pop out at you as rather obvious:

• marijuana is illegal in connecticut. it may be a stupid law, but it's in force, and the state has a right to enforce it until such point as it is overturned.
• drug dealing penalties are stiffer than drug possession penalties, and they will often charge you with drug dealing if you are carrying distribution equipment like scales and baggies along with your drugs.
• that box you have to put your bag through on the way into the public defender's office? that's a x-ray machine. and, that tv screen attached to that little box? that shows the guy sitting at the x-ray machine what's in your bag. and, for good measure, that shiny little badge on the guy sitting by the box with the tv screen on it? that means that he is a member of your local constabulary. i know synthesizing three little bits of information can be difficult sometimes, especially if you are high, but i will put it together for you: Officer Friendly can see what you are bringing into the public defender's office.

why must we go into such excruciating detail about such obvious things, especially in the context of discussing someone who should know better? i'm sure you can infer why by now, but i'll say it anyway: because two days ago, a law student interning for a public defender's office in connecticut was busted for having three baggies of weed, a marijuana grinder, and a digital scale in his bag.

we'll leave aside the fact that this guy lacks the analytical skills to be a successful lawyer. he lacks the minimal analytical skills necessary to be a successful pot smoker. just as the mantra of the successful crack smoker is hide your crack, the mantra of the successful pothead ought to be hide your pot. hiding your pot means leaving it at home. hiding your pot, if you're a pot dealer, means leaving your drug dealing paraphernalia at home and operating your enterprise covertly. hiding your pot does not mean packaging it with your drug dealing paraphernalia, going to the courthouse, and giving your package of tools-of-the-trade to a police officer.

in that case, there is a pretty good shot that you'll be going back to the public defender's office, but you won't be working there this time.

an open letter to bank robbers

dear bank robbers,

one of the most important steps to planning a successful bank robbery is the getaway. after you rob a bank, you need to get away from that bank as quickly as possible. of course, you can't overdo that. your getaway driver, be it yourself or somebody else, has to drive the getaway car fast enough so that you're far from the premises by the time the police arrive, but not so recklessly that you get pulled over for a moving violation before you hide the loot. there's a fine line, and you need to be smart about it.

and, sure, your goal is to take your money and soon fade into the populace as if there is nothing specific about you, but that is not your first concern. your first concern is to get far enough away from the bank that your local constabulary will not be able to get your description from the bank, know where you went, and apprehend you just minutes after you leave the bank. this requires you to plan your getaway accordingly.

in short, leaving the scene of your bank robbery on a public bus is an extremely bad idea. not only do buses go rather slowly because they stop every block or so, but thanks to CTA's convenient Bus Tracker service, the police can easily figure out when your bus picked you up, where your bus is now, and when they can arrange for Officer Friendly to apprehend you.

love,
the persecuted crack smoker

oh, internets.

i saw this ad on the new york times website today:



really? i can click on this cheaply slapped-together ad and read ann coulter columns? for free?

if i really wanted to read her colums as they came out, don't you think i'd have already signed up for an rss feed by now? seriously.

part of me thinks i might have clicked if the ad were slightly more professionally done, and offered to pay me large amounts of money to be one of the first people to read new columns by ann coulter. however, an even larger and more reasonable part of me thinks that i would have probably screenshot it and mocked it in that case, too, since such a thing would so clearly be a scam.

*****

and, speaking of weird ads, google just displayed a text ad for stopskunksmell.com in my gmail. this is probably because i'm getting responses to a thing i posted about teledus in wtf_stupid, but it just makes me inordinately happy that there's a website called stopskunksmell.com.

in fact, the website is extremely lulzy. it's for one of those twenty-some-odd-dollar downloadable e-books that scammers are always trying to sell via google adwords. i don't know why they would need to put together a whole book about how to remove skunk smell, but the description of why the book is so groundbreaking and revolutionary gets funnier and funnier every time i read it.

not to mention that the top of the website has one of the most entertaining graphics i've seen in a long time:



*****

yes, i'm easily amused. why do you ask?