what now, brit?

some people thought britney spears hit rock bottom with her quickie 55-hour marriage to childhood friend jason alexander.

they were wrong.

others [including this humble blogger] thought she hit rock bottom with her marriage to cletus the slack-jawed yokel.

we were wrong. somehow, fed-ex is far more together than she is...and far less sleazy.

and now...marriage number three? to a paparazzo lover? that i've never heard of? in a scientology ceremony?

i won't make the mistake of assuming that this marriage is rock-bottom for her. she's been too crazy over the last few years for me to believe that anything is her low point--with the possible exception of her going on national television and having danny bonaduce snort coke off her ass, or vice versa.

but...it's still pretty bizarre, if it indeed happens.

beam me up.

justia news is holding out on me. friday they posted the names of over a hundred new jonathan lee riches © suits, but they haven't posted the text of any of them yet! i'm going nuts here...i need a dose of new insanity!

even though it is not new insanity, i decided to go back to reading some very funny things that i haven't thumbed through in a while: james traficant's one-minute speeches. they contain some very funny attempts at making figures of speech out of marginally political content. they use the phrase "beam me up" a lot. and, they kept me sane when i was working at the law library during undergrad...whenever i had to stamp and glue pockets to any copies of the congressional record, i'd try to take a second and flip through, just to see if there were any traficant one-minute speeches in the volume. it always made me happy if i could find one or two.

here's an example of a good one, for your amusement:

October 27, 1999
Mr. Speaker, a 1992 law designed to save water said that the old standard 3 1/2 gallon toilet must be replaced with a 1 1/2 gallon streamlined job. It sounds good, but Americans have been flushing away ever since. It has gotten so bad there is now a black market on old reliables. It is no joke. Americans are getting potty fatigue flushing their own toilet.

If that is not enough, Members of the other side, to squeeze your Charmin, if you get caught flushing an old reliable in your own home, it is a $2,500 fine.

Beam me up here. I say the nincompoop over at EPA who suggested this policy should go to a proctologist for a brain scan. Flush this.

I yield back all the constipation over this issue and urge us to bring old reliable back to its appropriate throne.

i swear, i can spend hours reading these things and snickering as his goofy turns of phrase. i should be doing schoolwork, but judges aren't as dependably funny as old jim traficant.

the most important case of Jack's life...

if 24 were actually this awesome, i'd watch it:

\m/

holy moly. Fox Sports Net is playing "If I Were You" by Janus before the Duke game.

local Chicago rock for the win.