the best intro ever.

behold, more of the genius that is jonathan lee riches ©:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, coming in at a weak 125 pounds at 5 ft 10 inches, bald head, originally from South Philadelphia, the current Lawsuit King of the Universe, the digital criminal, Tampa's identity Santa, the Zeus of lawsuits, I am Jonathan Lee Riches ©."

a woman can't resist a detainee who looks good in a speedo...

you know things are going to get really funny when there's a letter exchange involving contraband speedos in guantanamo.

it's bizarre...a detainee there was caught with Under Armour briefs, as well as a name-brand Speedo. (why someone would risk getting caught with contraband to wear a SPEEDO is anyone's guess. men look uniformly ridiculous in speedos.) in response to this, a member of the JAG corps sent the detainee's lawyer a letter, basically accusing him of assisting sneaking the contraband briefs into the facility.

that letter is amusing for how seriously it takes Under Armour and Speedos as a security breach.

the lawyer's response is classic for how pointedly it skewers the JAG guy for flipping out about some underwear. it goes into a long, mock-serious discussion of reasons that the lawyers could not have smuggled it in, as well as ways the underwear could have possibly gotten in--complete with citations.

however, the most fabulous part of the letter is the section about Speedos, which i reproduce here in its entirety:

On the issue of Speedo swimming trunks, my research really does not help very much. I cannot imagine who would want to give my client Speedos, or why. Mr. Aamer is hardly in a position to go swimming, since the only available water is the toilet in his cell.

I should say that your letter brought to mind a sign in the changing room of a local swimming pool, which showed someone diving into a lavatory, with the caption, "We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool." I presume that nobody thinks Mr. Aamer wears Speedos while paddling in his privy.

so many extremely wrong, extremely funny mental images there.

Game Cube > Time Cube

i mentioned here a few weeks ago the pure lunacy that is the time cube. on crank dot net (thanks, mrvoid!), they link to an absolutely spot-on parody of the time cube website.

i present to you...

Nintendo's portable simultaneous 4-player Game Cube!