look, i twittered today!

• 10:57 @ericmichaud @angelixd what is the update with the kimball space? i know you talked to the owner last week, but how'd it go? i guess well? #
• 11:17 @sillylittlelaw no. it's natural. it is sunday, after all, and sundays are great for sleeping all day. #
• 12:18 i always love riding a bus route i've never ridden before. today, it's the 82 kimball-homan. #
• 13:49 working on my article for the next upl, whenever that may be coming together... <3 #
• 14:43 @whitney__paige 25 isn't old! watch it! :-) #
• 15:56 my eee now has more ram than my real box. #
• 20:28 @EricMichaud plotting? sounds suspicious, especially coming from you. ;-) #
• 21:21 @Jaku you are only one man. you can't make every hax on everything. #
• 22:23 @skipp awesome. :D #

don't blame me, blame loudtwitter.

europe != near me

dear last.fm,

you are playing me a song by The Rasmus, who i love, and then you tell me that there are "events by this artist near you." you then proceed to list three upcoming concerts: in copenhagen, berlin, and hamburg.

in other words, stop being such a tease. if the concert is not in the chicago metropolitan area, please don't tell me that it's near me. or, if that's too hard...at least refrain from telling me that a concert is "near me" if the concert is not on my continent.

no love,
the persecuted crack smoker

suckers indeed.

i'm in the chicago bar association choir. last week, we were practicing one of our songs, Abe Lincoln's campaign song from 1860. there's a line that refers to Lincoln as "the pride of the suckers", and the following conversation ensued:

director: does anyone know what "suckers" refers to?
[random babbling from the choir, but no answers.]
director: "suckers" was an old nickname for Illinois residents, although it's no longer used.
choir member: well, except for our governor. he's a sucker.
other choir member: no, we voted for him! we're the suckers!

News Crack Smokers Can Use: January 26, 2009

i've peeled seven more pages off of my Wicked Sweet Crack Cookie Of The Day calendar, which makes it time again to delve through the depths of the interwebstubes to find the stupidest things people have done in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:

• when the city attorney calls part of your gang's turf a "safety zone," that does not mean that it's safe to sell crack there. remember, the city attorney's job is to prosecute crack dealers like you, and his idea of a "safety zone" involves keeping local residents safe from your crack dealing. i know you don't see eye to eye on this, but you'll have a far more fruitful crack dealing career if you mark your map with the prosecutor's "safety zones," and then sell crack everywhere but there.
• a few weeks ago, we covered the rather fundamental precept that even in this bad economy, it is a bad idea to trade your truck for a crack rock. if you have smoked so much crack that you can't figure this out yourself, i'll lay it out for you: this idea also applies to vans, cars, and any other kind of motor vehicles. if you let someone borrow your van in return for some crack, they probably will not return it. if you get lucky and ever do see your van again, it will probably be crashed beyond recognition, and the crack smoker more clever than you--who took your car in payment for a little rock--will be long gone.
• if you are a lawyer, you should probably not be a crack smoker. not only is crack illegal, but being a lawyer requires analytical skills beyond the level of the vast majority of crack smokers. however, if you are blessed with such amazing analytical skills that you can be a lawyer and a crack smoker at the same time, surely you can figure out that you should not bring your crack to the courthouse. at the very least, if you can't stay away from your precious crack for that long, you should at least be able to figure out that it is a bad idea to bring both your crack and your coke to the courthouse, snort coke in a conference room before your hearing, and leave a trail of white powder. as a lawyer, you should know that not even Johnnie Cochrane would have been able to come up with an argument why you won't be sent to jail--and to the list of crack smokers too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this one!]
• keep in mind: crack is called "crack" because it makes a crackling noise when you cook it. crack is not called "crack" because it is a good idea to hide crack rocks in your, ummmm, buttocks area. yes, we know, we have told you many times here at News Crack Smokers Can Use that you need to hide your crack, but that's just not a good place to do it. your crack will fall out of your crack when you try to evade the local constabulary.

that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or test out your anything but ethernet entry for notacon.