look, i twittered today!

• 08:51 @ericmichaud bring some me that alien tech back to the states, please! :-) #
• 15:03 @thelinear what about bruce springsteen? #
• 15:46 @ericmichaud ouch! are you okay? #
• 17:22 @kunt ...just as much as i hate getting to the station just as the train is pulling away. :( #
• 17:35 CTA holiday train = royal wtfery. #
• 17:41 ugh. i have satisfied my curiosity, and i'm back on a blissful, less-crowded non-holiday train. #
• 18:00 @kunt yes. santa...and a fuckton of tinsel...and christmas carols blaring... #
• 18:07 @kunt yep. the holiday train is the epitome of suck. #
• 18:18 this train's pa system is busted...which hid the fact that it's an express to western. this blows. #
• 21:31 @ironblossom :-) #
• 22:49 the hopleaf is awesome despite the long wait. #
• 23:40 @vrsj agreed. i thought i'd never join it, and now i'm at 1,264 tweets. it's absurdly addictive. #
• 23:43 tit...le...ist! #

don't blame me, blame loudtwitter.

one scary vajayjay

Taryn linked me to a name-that-duggar game while i was on the phone with Rob. the conversation meandered to the family's tv appearances, and the following exchange ensued:

Rob: i'm surprised they got her on tv. did they have to haul her vagina in behind her?
me: nah. besides--her vagina got a rest this time. the last baby was delivered by c-section.
Rob: THAT'S what they need to do--install a ziploc on her. yellow and blue make green!

News People Who Put Up With Crack Smokers Can Use

i always get a lot of crack-related searches...this is, after all, the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker. however, when checking my 100 most recent incoming links, i got two rather lengthy searches that turned up News Crack Smokers Can Use on the first page of google results. here are the search terms--complete with my advice for the searchers and anyone else in a similar predicament:

• how to catch a crack head and send them to jail: seriously. this is not hard. sure, being a crackhead, per se, is not a crime. you can't get someone sent to jail just for being a crackhead. however, if the person you're thinking of is actually a crack smoking crackhead [as opposed to someone generally stupid who you're calling a crackhead-as-in-numbskull], your best bet is to call the police and tell them that the crackhead has crack. the local constabulary will be more than happy to act on your tip and take credit for removing another crackhead from the streets of their virtuous town.
• how do you know if you have a crack head on your car?: first, we'll assume that you know that the thing on your car is, in fact, a human being--if you can't figure that out, you're beyond help. the method to use to figure out whether the person on your car is a crackhead or not depends on whether the person is dead or alive. if he is dead, call the cops. the cops will take him in, the coroner will do an autopsy, and the toxicology report should tell you whether he is a crackhead or not. if he is alive, ask him if he wants some crack. if he says yes, he's a crackhead.¹ if he says no, he's probably not a crackhead.
  

hopefully this information will make your life a little easier when you absolutely, positively must deal with a crackhead.

***
¹ yes, i know. the astute ones among you are probably thinking that it's a bad idea to ask a crackhead if he wants some crack if you have no crack to give him. it's definitely a risky thing to do, since the crackhead will think you have crack and may get angry at you for not giving him any. but, this is slightly less dangerous than the other alternatives for finding out whether he is a crackhead, such as rifling through his pockets or drawing blood for a drug test. if you do anything that requires contact, he may try to punch, kick, or cut you. at least you can ask him if he wants crack from a slightly safe distance...and get a head start on running away from him if he starts to break into hot, crackheaded pursuit.