look, i twittered today!

• 14:23 @jaku that's not good. i hope you find it! #
• 15:03 @jaku a cop car? :-P #
• 15:40 i just pulled a lolrus out of my hat. #
• 16:54 @cambria nooo! rickroll! #
• 17:03 i am having a very productive day. #
• 18:27 the voice in the techno song playing here asserted "this is not chicago." i beg to differ. #
• 18:32 now, the song proclaims "this is new york." that would be nice, for obvious reasons, but saying it repeatedly does not make it so. #

don't blame me, blame loudtwitter.

doctors for jews for jesus

i was reading the new york times this morning, catching up on all kinds of SRS BSNS NEWS, and i encountered the strangest ad i've seen in a long time.



has Jews for Jesus finally decided that they're going to go for respectable-looking ads instead of those crudely hand-drawn pamphlets that the people were always handing out next to the University of Chicago bookstore back in the day? if so, that may help the perceived legitimacy of their cause, but i doubt that claiming that Jews for Jesus is "more important than a cure for cancer" is going to help much.

i'm not saying doctors shouldn't be religious. what i am saying is that showing a doctor proclaiming that Jews for Jesus is more important than a cancer cure is unnecessary hyperbole that delegitimizes both the depicted doctor and the movement for which the doctor is shilling. i think the ad is trying to say that finding religion is an extremely important thing, and that Jews for Jesus isn't as crazy as they get a rap for being, because respectable, professional people have turned to them. that's not quite how the ad comes off, though. it sounds like the ad is saying that it doesn't really matter whether cancer in this life is cured or not, as long as people find Jews for Jesus to save them in the afterlife.

in other words, i see what the person(s) responsible for crafting the ad campaign were trying to do; they just didn't do it very well.

holiday travels

alright, to any of you in DC or New York, this is your lucky day!

well, maybe not today...but soon. and, it's only "lucky" if you enjoy such oddball things as "hanging out with me." :)

however, i'm going to be in washington, dc from Dec. 24 through Dec. 28, to hang out with c4bl3fl4m3, and then i'll be taking the bus up to New York City to ring in 2009 with rob_t_firefly from Dec. 28 until Jan. 4.

if you're going to be in either of these place during those times, and want to hang out with me, leave me a comment or send me an email!

a paean to clippers

i am never getting my hair cut with scissors again.

when i go to the salon, i always have the same thing happen over and over again:

1. i ask the stylist to cut my hair to somewhere between .5" and .75" all around.
2. they cut my hair with scissors.
3. it's still too long, so i tell them that, and they have to cut all my hair again.
4. after another go-round with the scissors, it's still too long, but there's not a whole lot else that they can do with scissors, and i feel bad making them try to snip away at my hair a third time.
5. i leave the salon disappointed that my freshly-cut hair is still not short enough for my liking.

yesterday, i had a revelation. the stylist buzzed my hair with clippers. my experience went a little something like this:

1. i ask the stylist to cut my hair to .5"-.75" all around.
2. the stylist pulls out the clippers, and suggests a #4 (.5") on the sides, a #6 (.75") on top, and a #5 (.625") to blend the sides into the top.
3. the stylist cuts my hair once around, with the proper settings on the clippers.
4. i look in the mirror, and notice that after one cut with the clippers, my hair is nice and short--looking exactly how i wanted it to look all along.
5. i leave the salon with a big smile on my face.

now i know why my guy friends often opt for the clippers and describe their hair lengths in terms of the numbers on the clippers. there's no room for guesstimation or variance in hair length--the stylist puts the proper clipper length attachment on, the stylist buzzes off the hair, and the hair is the proper length.

verdict? hair clippers rule.

News Crack Smokers Can Use: December 8, 2008

i've decided to make News Crack Smokers Can Use a regular feature on this blog. this is, after all, the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker.

what does this mean? it means that every week, i'll entertain you with the stories of that week's dumbest crack smokers. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add them to the list of things not to do, if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

without further ado...i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:

• if you are running away from the cops, do not eat your crack. it may seem like a good idea at the time, but it's really not. if the cops catch you when you've got crack on your person, you are probably screwed. if you want to attempt to slip away, you can try to slickly drop your crack into a thicket, a sidewalk drain, or an open garbage can as you run away. it's not a slam-dunk, as the cops may see you, or see it when they search where you ran. but, it's better than eating it. not only may the cops see you eat the crack, but your body may have a bad reaction when you eat an entire crack rock. imagine how embarrassing it will be if the cops catch up to you, you're trying to explain to the police that you didn't have any crack, and then you puke your crack right back up onto the sidewalk. not only is that gross, but you'll be arrested for crack possession in short order.
• don't sell crack in school zones. just, don't. this holds true, even in the middle of the night. police are rather picky about what goes on near schools, and if you sell crack in a school zone, they'll probably bust you sooner or later. take my word for it, and find another place to peddle your wares. you'll be a far more successful crack dealer.
• remember how i informed you last week that prosecutors should refrain from the crack? this also holds true for narcotics officers. if you're a cop charged with seizing drugs, you should promptly record all of the drugs you find and lock them in the evidence lockers. you should not keep the crack for yourself. you should not smoke the crack. you should not sell the crack. it may sound like a sneaky way to score some dope or to make a quick buck, but the boss is going to get a little suspicious if you made a nice little drug bust...and then some of the crack didn't quite make it to the evidence locker. my advice is that you should choose one calling: crack or police work. don't try to combine them. it won't work out. still, though, if you are that intent on being a crack smoking cop, please at least try to refrain from smoking crack at the police station.
• in case my previous advice to lawyers and cops has been far too specific for your tastes, i'll state it in general terms: if you're any kind of public servant, please stop smoking crack. this includes you, mail carriers. your mail delivery route is just that: a mail delivery route. it's not a crack delivery route. and, it's not going to help your case if the cops find you smoking crack in the back of your mail truck soon after seeing you delivering the precious gift of crack to your daughter.

alright...those are the dumbest of the dumb crack smokers i've found for the week. tune in next monday for more News Crack Smokers Can Use. i'll keep an eye on the crackheads, but if you find a stupid crack smoker story that you think should be included in next week's News, send it my way!

what?

in today's chicago daily law bulletin, there is an ad for a filing and paperwork procesing service with the following headline:

With the high cost of gasoline and summer congestion starting let The Attorneys' Clerk do your road work...

did anyone bother to tell her that it was December, and that gas in Chicago was down to between $1.69 and $1.79 a gallon?

\O-O/

i had my annual eye exam today. i always love getting a fresh set of contacts...and, even more awesome, i got new glasses this year as well! i hadn't had new glasses since 2002. they broke last year, but i never got around to getting them replaced. i finally got sick of having to wear my contacts whenever i wanted to Not Be Blind, so i sprung for a new pair of glasses this time as well.

they're adorable. i'm waiting for them to finish making the lenses; that should be in about fifteen minutes. i'll post pictures of them soon. :D

*squee*!

"aid for women"? really?

crisis pregnancy centers offend me. they hold themselves out to be places where women can figure out what to do when they're pregnant, when in fact their agenda is simply to stop women from getting abortions, no matter what.

in an entry he posted today, foofy attorney discusses the danger and tragedy of these places more eloquently than i ever could.