i know i've got skills, man, i know i've got skills...

i'm working on moot court right now, and about to go crazy. but, sometimes in my research, i stumble upon cases that may not be relevant, but still provide a humourous break.

enter, United States v. Burt, 134 F.3d 997 (10th Cir. 1998). the defendant had been convicted of possession of cocaine with intent to distribute. the prosecutor had applied for a sentencing enhancement applicable when a defendant uses special skills in order to commit the crime.

now, under the sentencing guidelines, "'special skill' refers to a skill not possessed by members of the general public and usually requiring substantial education, training, or licensing. Examples would include pilots, lawyers, doctors, accountants, chemists, and demolition experts." U.S.S.G. §3B1.3, comment (n.2).

the prosecutor then tried to argue that the defendant had special skills...in the field of drug dealing.

this led to the wonderful passage:

We hold that regardless of whether Defendant learned his drug-dealing tricks through his work as a deputy sheriff or through self-teaching, tricks such as concealing drugs in a can with a false bottom do not qualify as "special skills" within the meaning of the guideline.

Such drug-dealing "skills" cannot reasonably be equated with the skills developed and possessed by "pilots, lawyers, doctors, accountants, chemists, and demolition experts."

stuff i like :)

courtesy of agent_alpo:

Comment on this post. I will choose seven interests from your profile and you will explain what they mean and why you are interested in them. Post this along with your answers in your own journal so others can play along.¹

1. becoming a duck
i love the llama song. it's hilarious. and, at the end of it, it says "time for me to retire now and become a duck." retiring and becoming a duck sounds really, really amazing. ducks are cute. ducks get to float around the pond and quack a lot. i don't remember where my friend hilabeans got the quote from...but it's always a great day to be a duck.

2. ellix powers
ellix powers is a poker player with a great sense of humour. during the 2004 world series of poker, he was playing at the final table of a limit hold 'em tournament against a field of players that included james mcmanus, the author of positively fifth street. now, james mcmanus thinks that poker needs to be this serious, revered thing, and people aren't supposed to act silly at the table. ellix powers rejected this theory, so they spent the entire day snarking at each other.

it got to one hand...ellix powers had a good hand, and james mcmanus did not. but, james mcmanus was on tilt, and stayed in. james mcmanus called ellix powers' last bet, and powers turned over the winning hand. mcmanus turned over his losing cards--and he didn't even have a pair. ellix powers found this hilarious, and started yelling over and over, "he called me with a jack high! he called me with jack high! can you believe that? he called me with jack high!"

that became a bit of a catch phrase, at least among people who watch too many poker telecasts on espn. strangely enough, james mcmanus didn't have jack high--he had queen high.

3. onesidezero
onesidezero is a band i love. i discovered them back in 2001 when i saw them at the metro in chicago, playing with some other bands. the music just blew me away...and they were really cool guys, i hung out with them after that show, and after the second time i saw them as well. their first album, "is this room getting smaller", is still one of my favourite albums of all time. they broke up in 2003...but then got back together a year or two later. they're still putting out music and touring, although sadly their touring has been confined to the west coast, so i have not been able to see them again since. hopefully soon, they will make their triumphant return to the midwest.

4. teledus
a teledu is animal that looks like a badger and sprays like a skunk:

the word "teledu" was in my spelling bee study book back in middle school, and i thought it was the most hilarious word ever. i would say it all the time. i would talk about teledus so much that i would get in trouble for talking about teledus too much.

i've still never seen a teledu in real life. i need to do that sometime...when i have the time and money to travel to java or sumatra.

5. tidewater grain
tidewater grain is one of my favourite bands...although, sadly, they are defunct. i discovered them when i saw them open for caroline's spine in the summer of 2000. they had been local, up in pennsylvania, but were finally releasing an album and touring the country. they broke up soon after, in 2001. still, their album "here on the outside" is one i listen to a lot...and "one man show" is one of the most gorgeous songs ever. the internet at school is way too wonky for me to upload anything to yousendit and post it here, but when i get home, i will be posting a link to that song here.

6. ratbag hero
ratbag hero was a punk band in chicago...although they are now defunct. they broke up in 2005. none of their music was particularly serious, but it was a lot of fun to listen to. their songs were all about getting drunk, getting laid, partying, hanging out in bridgeport [no, not the connecticut town, you goofballs--the neighbourhood on the south side of chicago, out near comiskey park], and other fabulous pursuits of the young and stupid. they were also a lot of fun to get drunk and cause trouble with.

7. radio wazee
radio wazee is my favourite internet radio station. it plays some well-known alternative rock...and a lot of not-so-well-known stuff. i've discovered more great bands and great songs than i can count through listening to this radio station. and...it's what kept me sane when i had that awfully boring job barcoding books at the library during my year off of school. whenever i was entering barcodes into the computer system, i would fire up radio wazee, plug my headphones into the computer, and discover great new music while doing all my mindnumbing work.

***
¹ yes, i know that interest lists are a livejournal thing. but, i never pass up the chance to post random blathering about myself anywhere on the internet.

vegas, baby, vegas!

you'd think you were reading the national enquirer...given that you've got a young man claiming donald trump is his sugar daddy.

but, of course, you'd be wrong. thanks, jonathan lee riches ©!

(although, seriously...the jonathan lee riches © resort and casino would be the most fantastic place ever. if that were ever built, i'd never stay anywhere else when i went to vegas!)