vegematic

all of you know the song "ebay" by weird al, right? the parody of "i want it that way," in which he sings about all the dumb stuff he bought on ebay?

well, i totally heard that song from the television age: "vegematic" by steve goodman.

instead of being about a compulsive online deal-seeker, it's about a dude who falls asleep in front of the television, wakes up, and realises he has called and ordered all of the ridiculous products that were sold during the infomercials.

and, like almost everything steve goodman does--it's hysterical.

"vegematic"
by steve goodman

fell asleep last night with the tv on
oh what a dream i had
i dreamed i answered every single one of those late night mail order ads
and four to six weeks later much to my surprise
the mailman came to my front door and i couldn't believe my eyes

when he brought the vegematic
and the pocket fisherman too
illuminated illustrated history of life
and boxcar willie with a ginsu knife
a bamboo steamer
and a garden weasel too
and a tie-dyed dayglow souvenir shirt from six flags over burbank

the doorbell rang all morning and into the afternoon
i shook with fright as it rang all night to the light of the mastercard moon
there was parcel post in the pantry and ups in the hall
c.o.d.'s to the ceiling and i just couldn't pay for it all

i got the egg scrambler with a seal-a-meal carrying case
a set of presidential commemorative plates
so i could eat my eggs off the president's face
a minute mender
and a needle that'll knit or crochet
and an autographed photograph of rin tin tin at six flags over burbank

i remembered i was dreaming
so i gave a mighty cheer
when i awoke it was no joke
'cause all that shit was here
so if you fall asleep with the tv on
let me tell you what to do
tear the telephone out of the wall unless you want it to happen to you

you'll get the vegematic
and the pocket fisherman too
illuminated illustrated history of life
and boxcar willie with a ginsu knife
a bamboo steamer
and a smokeless ashtray too
and an all expenses paid weekend for three at six flags over burbank

thank you, captain obvious of the SEC.

courtesy of SEC Rule 13e-3:

"It shall be a fraudulent, deceptive, or manipulative act or practice...[t]o employ any device, scheme, or artifice to defraud any person."

so...defrauding people is a fraudulent act? check.

(in other news...my gosh, transactional stuff puts me to sleep. i'm in the middle of trying to teach myself mergers and acquisitions for this one project i took, and it's really not my cup of tea. i want my litigation work back.)