(no subject)

whatever sleep i'm getting, it's not enough. i've got so much scheduled throughout the rest of this month that i'd be best served just turning off my feelings, my sensibilities, everything but my productivity and my cold, practical need to Get Things Done. i need the capacity to become an automaton, and i need to turn that switch on.

an asshat having an identity crisis

i liked myself so much better when i hated myself.

it seems like an oxymoron, but it's really not. when i knew, really knew, that i was an extremely inadequate human being, there was no pressure. i was a lot more laid back about a lot more stuff. i let life happen to me, sometimes tapping it a little bit to make it meander somewhat towards my way, but i was at its mercy. i had so little to be wound up over, and i was happy with the victories i did have. every victory was exciting, unexpected, charming.

i'm back at the bottom again, just as i was in high school. in high school, i was convinced that i was capable of anything. the only problem is, i didn't actually have to work for it in high school, everything i needed or wanted in the academic arena just came to me. it happened, and i was entitled to all of it. i got straight a's. i got in to the college of my dreams. it all just happened. then, in college, it didn't come easily anymore, i realised i was stupid, and i didn't feel entitled to anything anymore. i was a better person for realising that i wasn't entitled. i had reached a comfortable point in life.

and then, the slippery slope began. i got into law school, a charming little victory in itself. then it snowballed. law school has gone academically well, better than i ever could have dreamed. my grades are high...and i'm acutely aware of that, given the competitive environment and the fact that they have class ranking here, unlike college. i'm doing trial team. i'm getting interview after interview through oci. although, i think it was al over once the last of my grades came out. they're good, i know i'm capable of better, though, and they need to be better. i feel like i'm entitled to all the trappings of good law school grades. instead of being excited that i got an interview or two, now i am feeling like a failure if there's an interview i don't get.

in other words, i've become the despicable, arrogant bitch that i was back in high school, and i don't like it one bit. i need to somehow reclaim the more carefree, grateful self i was in college...but i'm afraid if i take steps to do that, i'm going to be depriving myself of some unnamed, still-to-be-determined glory that i feel is mine.

i feel like a better person when i hate myself for being stupid and inadequate than if i hate myself for desperately needing to take a chill pill. it's more organic that way.

yes, i'm aware that this particular entry makes me seem like even worse of a person...but it's something that i needed to get off my chest this morning, in order to get on with my day.