faceless_wonder: a bag of green crack (crack)
imagine you're the mayor of a major North American city. imagine that instead of unwinding by drinking a beer, going for a swim, or going out dancing with your friends, you liked to unwind with a little crack. quick, what would you do?


  1.  lay off the crackpipe for a few years while you're in office, and set aside that money for lots of wonderful, wonderful crack when you've left office.

  2. arrange for a trusted friend to be your crack mule, and hope they are loyal enough not to rat you out if they get caught for being bad at hiding your crack.

  3. buy crack from the most fashionable dealers you can, and appear in a video starring your very own crack-addled musings.


if you rolled your eyes and said that none of these options are good options at all, congratulations!  you're either way too smart to be a crack smoker, or way too smart to be a politician.



if you chose 1, you have far more restraint than most crack smokers.



if you chose 2, you realise it's a tough situation, but you also realise that running a major city is pretty difficult without a way to relax -- and, for you, that way is crack.



if you chose 3, congratulations.  you're in that elite group of crack smokers who is too stupid to take refuge here at the Last Refuge of the Persecuted Crack Smoker.



sure, sure. do i know for a fact that it's Rob Ford in that video? no. do i think it's likely him? yes. Rob Ford was already a complete laughingstock; i have enough acquaintances from the Greater Toronto Area to know that.  still, i'm holding out hope that the Crackstarter does its job, and the internet at large can satisfy its curiosity.
faceless_wonder: a bag of green crack (crack)
dearest crack smokers,

i am aware that you are generally more focused on your crack smoking than you are on your fashion choices. however, you must at times exercise a bit of discretion when choosing your outfit for the day. for example, let us consider this jacket:



this jacket lays out, in friendly pictorial form, how to make your beloved crack. as such, it has probably made its way onto the fashion plates at all of the local crack houses. you probably either have one already, or envy some fellow crack smoker who has this hot, new winter style. it is a lot of fun to wear when you are smoking crack in the privacy of your own home, or possibly even the privacy of your friend's crack den, depending on how much you actually trust them.

however, when you have been haled into court for drug trafficking, we may suggest a slightly more conservative fashion choice. a suit is best, although if you do not own a suit, try wearing to court any kind of clothing that does not reference crack. keep in mind that even though you are guaranteed a jury of your peers, the law defines "peers" as a group with slightly broader scope than "fellow crack smokers". there is a high chance that most (if not all) members of a jury will frown upon a jacket that demonstrates how to cook crack, especially because your fellow crack smokers are likely to be too busy smoking crack to show up for jury duty.

for this fashion faux pas, our as-yet-anonymous drug trafficking defendant must join the roster of crack smokers too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker. please, dear readers, if you must ever go to court, please put your crackpipe down long enough to choose an outfit that does not immediately single you out as a crack aficionado. this will increase your chances of going home afterwards to smoke your crack in peace.

love,
the persecuted crack smoker
faceless_wonder: a bag of green crack (crack)
if News Crack Smokers Can Use has a mantra, it's this: Hide Your Crack! if you keep your crack in a place where other people can easily find it, someone is going to find it. and, when someone finds it, at least one of two things will happen: they will steal it, or they will trace it to you and have you busted for being a crack smoker. therefore, it is key that you keep your crack in a place where you -- and only you -- have access to it.

secondly, if you are a crack smoker, it is a bad idea to also be a crack dealer. first of all, both selling and smoking crack would make it far too tempting to break Biggie's infinitely wise Fourth Crack Commandment: never get high on your own supply. furthermore, running a successful business is difficult, and doubly so if you not only have to worry about the difficulties of the market, but also about continuously staying one step ahead of Officer Friendly.

what is the moral of this story? basically, it's a terrible idea to stash tens of thousands of dollars worth of crack and cash in the communal shrubbery at your flat.

although, this may explain why The Knights Who Say Ni are so insistent that people bring them shrubberies.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (emo)
dear crack smokers,

i love you, and am trying to be patient and cordial with you, but sometimes continuously providing the same common-sense piece of advice and seeing it go unheeded gets a little frustrating. i've made this particular point several times in here already.

this is the last time i will say this, so please pay attention:

just because it's called your crack does not make it a good place to hide your crack.

it's not as sneaky as your crack-addled brain has convinced you that it is. if you give the nice person in blue permission to search your person, he's going to look. if Officer Friendly sees you walking a little funny because you're a little uncomfortable around the cheeks, he's going to look. if you get booked into jail, you're going to get strip-searched, and the corrections officers are going to look.

i know they call it "where the sun don't shine", and that it's not a particularly appealing place for anyone to search, but unfortunately so many of your fellow crack smokers have been caught with their goods in or around their butts that the cops will always look. seriously, crack smokers, it's cliche.

please, for the sake of your own happy crack-smoking future, stop hiding your crack in your butt crack. it's best not to take your crack out of your residence at all, but if you do, it would behoove you to find a more clever place to stash it.

love,
the persecuted crack smoker

***

(hat tip to [personal profile] rob_t_firefly for the news article!)
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (emo)
part of the reason that Iron Chef is such a fun show to watch is to see what kinds of interesting things the chefs do with the secret ingredients. sometimes the secret ingredient is something fairly common, such as egg, crab, cucumber, or curry powder. sometimes it's a little more esoteric: they've used things like oatmeal, coffee beans, eggnog, and ice sculptures. however, the there are two things that all Iron Chef secret ingredients have had in common: they're all edible, and they're all legal.

i'm sure you all know where this is going.

never has the secret ingredient in iron chef been cocaine powder, and never has an intrepid chef served the judging panel a steaming plate of crack rocks on national television.

some Cleveland-area entrepreneurs should have taken a hint from the show, and stuck to concocting creations based on a secret ingredient other than cocaine. seriously...if they're that gung-ho about cooking something and then selling their wares on the street, they could have devised some interesting food, set up a food truck business, and gotten into a whole lot less trouble than they did for their crack operation.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (emo)
the persecuted crack smoker,

to all citizens of McCracken County who consume or do commerce in crack cocaine, or are considering the same,

may i take the liberty of advising you that just because you reside in a land called McCracken County, it still may not be legal to sell crack out of the home you share with your family? it is rather unclear what you did to suggest to the constabulary that there may have been crack rocks in your humble abode, but it remains clear that your life's vocation should have been a somewhat less statutorily offensive endeavour if you desired to continue deriving pleasure from setting crack rocks aflame and inhaling their heady smoke.

*****

the persecuted crack smoker,

to all people considering a career in entertainment, which may run either consecutively to or concurrently with a career in crack cocaine peddling,

your most successful option is to cease all pursuits of your ambitions along the crack-dealing front. performing music onstage, be it mellifluous or cacophonous, will be far less likely to land you behind iron bars than anything requiring you to apprach near a crack rock. however, if you insist on acting as not only a performer but also a high-level operative in a crack cocaine commerce cabal, let me advise you that choosing a stage name such as Gambino may not be the wisest among decisions. performing under the moniker of a renowned syndicate of scofflaws will not deflect the attention of the authorities, but rather encourage them to investigate why you admire these "Gambino" racketeers so much as to adopt their name.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
dear crack smokers,

am i going to have to spell everything out for you? i realise that's a rhetorical question, since you are crack smokers, and therefore not very likely to retain your logical reasoning faculties to any discernible extent.

that said, i apologise for my frustration. i'm really just trying to help. i know i've told you a million times here already that eating your crack is a bad way to get rid of the evidence. it's probably just going to make you sick...but i know it seems like a good idea under pressure. finding some way to get it into your system is tempting, since you want that last hit of cracktastic goodness before you're thrown in the [ostensibly crack-free] pokey for a while. i understand your thought process here.

however, i never dreamed in a million years that i would have to make the following suggestion:

for the love of crack, do not eat your crackpipe!

crackpipes are not delicious. crackpipes are made of glass. they will shatter into a million pieces, and you'll be spending the rest of your life plucking the little bits of your crackpipe out of your tongue, gums, and cheeks. if you swallow it, you will either die or be sent to the hospital for them to try and get the shards of your favourite crackpipe out of your esophagus and your stomach. i can only imagine that the hospital bills alone will amount to enough money to pay for all the crack you could ever want for the rest of your life. there's no way you will be able to eat a crackpipe without Officer Friendly seeing what you did there.

this is not a worthwhile trade for what little crack residue may still be on your pipe. even a crack-addled brain should be able to understand this...and, for not quite getting it, our friend in Oklahoma has found a place in the list of crack smokers who are too stupid to take refuge at the Last Refuge of the Persecuted Crack Smoker.

in other words, don't be this guy. don't eat your crackpipe.

love,
the persecuted crack smoker
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
if one phrase deserves to be crowned the refrain for this little corner of the internet, it's this one: hide your crack. crack is illegal, and the whole secret of happy crack smoking is not getting caught by the authorities, or by anyone who will turn you in to the authorities. however, there are good places to hide your crack, and bad places to hide your crack. Since this is News Crack Smokers Can Use and not Thickly Veiled Profiles Of Successful Crack Smokers Who Have Been Smoking Crack For Twenty Years But Never Arrested, however, we know what category all of these locations fall into. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this installment of News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • Kinder Eggs are awesome, or so i've heard. they're not legal here in these United States, because some silly federal law prohibits the introduction of "non-nutritive items" into dubiously nutritive candy. however, crack smoking is a global pastime, and after growing up finding toys hidden in your chocolate eggs in Merry Old England, it may make sense to you that stashing crack in the beloved yellow plastic shell from your Kinder Eggs might be a good idea. however, the constable and his trusty drug dog probably love Kinder Eggs as much as you do, and will find your hidden surprise.
  • contrary to what you may believe, placing crack rocks next to something legal does not qualify at all as hiding your crack. it will not fool people into thinking that the crack rocks are also legal, unless the people are too dumb or too inexperienced to know better. for example, it's probably not such a good idea to set your crack rocks on a plate next to your toddlers' snack food. your toddlers probably don't even know what crack is yet, and are still at an age of experimenting the bounds of what is food, and what is not. the police, however, are a few years older...and will probably not only slap you with crack charges, but also with child endangerment charges.
  • choosing a place to hide your crack requires a sophisticated balancing analysis. sure, you need to put it in a place where police are unlikely to find it, but that is not the only consideration. you also want to put it in a place where you can retrieve it later in prime smoking condition. otherwise, even though you had crack at one point, your attempts to hide it from the authorities have made it unfit to provide you with crack-smoking pleasure: and you'd be better off not having bought it in the first place. what does this mean? in short, you should probably refrain from hiding eleven pounds of crack in the gas tank of your automobile, and then actually trying to fill the tank. sure, Officer Friendly is probably not going to rifle through your gas tank, even for such a stupendous amount of crack. however...your crack might go boom. your car might go boom. you might go boom. congratulations, anonymous couple in Brazil: you have made it onto the roster of crack smokers who are too stupid to take refuge at The Last Refuge of the Persecuted Crack Smoker. i hope you're happy.
that's it for this round of News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or post it on the big light-up sign outside of the United Center.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
dear crack smokers,

i know you think crack is the bee's knees, and you enjoy smoking it at any opportunity. you may even like it so much that you become a crack evangelist...trying to convince everyone you know that crack makes you feel awesome, and that they should try it.

however, if the person you're talking to does not feel like smoking crack, don't do anything rash. don't force crack on them. don't throw a fit. don't beat them up because they won't smoke crack.

keep in the front of your mind that crack is illegal. if Officer Friendly finds out that you're smoking crack, he might take you to jail. going to jail is going to put a serious damper on your crack smoking life; it's a lot easier to get away with smoking crack in the privacy of your own home than it is to get away with smoking it in the slammer. the last thing you want to do if you are a crack smoker is cause a scene that attracts the attention of the local constabulary. unfortunately, beating someone up because they won't smoke crack might just bring attention to you. i know it confuses you a lot that someone doesn't quite see the allure of smoking crack, but rest assured that people can figure out how to live perfectly happy lives without it.

finally, if this all seems silly or bizarre, just look at it this way: if one fewer person is smoking crack, it leaves more crack for you.

love,
me
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
good news: i passed my ham radio technician test! :D that means, as soon as my name has been put in the FCC database, i'll be licensed for amateur radio. yay!

the test was pretty easy, really...i recognized almost all the questions that were on it, and i passed it with flying colours. it's really nice that i've gotten that out of the way, so i can finally start playing around with radio, and transmitting stuff.

i did have a rather weird thing happen to me on the way to the testing site. i was on the last bus that i needed to get to the test site: the 354 pace bus, running from Harvey through Midlothian. i was minding my own business, listening to my iPod and firing up the GPS on my phone.1 this guy behind me taps me on the shoulder, and asks if he can pay me fifty cents to use my phone and call his boss. i told him he could just use it...i have free nights and weekends anyway, so it wasn't going to cost me anything to let him use it. he thanked me, told me what number to dial, used my phone to tell someone that he'd be off the bus fifteen minutes later than expected, and gave me back my phone.

after he handed the phone back to me, he starts telling me that he didn't have a phone because his nephew stole it from him, and he was especially pissed because his phone was new, and he hadn't had it for very long. i listened to him rant, and agreed with him that stealing his phone was a cruddy thing for anyone to do, whether it was his nephew or someone wholly unrelated. not having a phone sucks, and phones are expensive.

but, he then proceeded to tell me how he had acquired the phone that has been stolen:

"i just got that phone! some guy really, really wanted to get rid of it, so i gave him an eighth of an ounce of crack for it!"

i can understand trading crack for a phone. really, i can. if you had crack, and some guy had a nice telephone but really would rather have crack, it's a good trade for you. a phone is a lot more productive. you can use a phone to talk to your friends. you can use a phone to talk to your boss, if you're the rare employed crackhead. you can even use a phone to talk to your crack dealer in order to buy some crack to replace the crack that you traded away for that phone.

i can also understand being angry that the phone for which he had traded his hard-acquired crack had been stolen. maybe he would have hidden his crack from his thieving nephew better than he would have hidden his phone, so he'd still be able to gain use from his valuable commodity.

but, why in the world would you tell some random person on the bus that you got the phone in exchange for crack? how is that in any way relevant to the conversation? did i give off some kind of vibe that i'd appreciate the fact that he trade crack for a phone, or that i'd somehow feel more sorry for him because he was out a eight-ball of crack as opposed to the cash price of that "new Verizon phone"? did he think i'd commiserate with him by giving him some new crack right there in the back of the pace bus? who knows.

the moral of the story? the last time i checked, having crack was not legal. fortunately for him, i am not a law enforcement officer, and there were ostensibly no cops on the bus this morning. however, getting into the habit of staying quiet about any crack use, possession, and barter you engage in will make you less likely to talk yourself into trouble in the future.

maybe he just sensed that i was the kind of person who liked to write periodic blog entries about stupid crackheads, and was so crack-addled that he was enthusiastic about being the subject of a post here. if that's the case...well, he got his wish.

***
1 the only time i ever really fire up the GPS is if i'm on a bus in an unfamiliar suburb. google maps is really, really helpful...it lets me see where the bus is, and how far it has to go, so i don't miss my stop. since some of the roads out in the burbs are poorly marked, the hit on the battery life is well worth not being stranded in a random corner of some suburb.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
despite the fact that i have been remiss in my advice to crack smokers over the last few months, nothing has actually changed. the sun still rises in the east, it still sets in the west, and crack smokers are still doing really stupid things.

case in point? this unsavoury situation.

first of all: do not buy your crack with monopoly money. ever. it's a terrible idea. if your crack dealer placed an inordinate amount of value on utterly worthless monopoly money, he would not make his living selling crack. he would make his living on the professional monopoly-playing circuit. however, you did not see him in the news winning the national monopoly championship. you met him because he is a crack dealer, and you are a crack smoker. he's in it to make money: united states currency, legal tender, which he can give to the guy one step above him on the crack-dealing chain, in exchange for more of that crack you love so much. just buy your crack with cold, hard, non-counterfeit cash. it will cause fewer problems in the long run.

second of all: do not expect the local constabulary to take pity on you if you are stupid enough to buy crack with monopoly money. if you're pulled over while driving, and you're bleeding from your head, it is bound to raise some questions. i guess i can give you two points for honesty for admitting your screw-up to the policeman, but why do you think the police will just forget about it if you're uncooperative, and not actually try to find your crack dealer?1 choose a strategy and run with it whole hog: either admit your mistake to Officer Friendly and help him find that crack dealer who beat you up, or don't reveal the circumstances behind why your head is bleeding.

finally: if you are selling crack, why in the world would you give a crack smoker some crack if all he gave you in return was monopoly money? don't even take that crack out of your pocket until your crack smoking customer gives you cold, hard cash for it! the only explanation i can think of for actually accepting monopoly money in return for crack would be a blatant violation of the fourth crack commandment: specifically, getting high on one's own supply. you've got to be smoking crack in order to take monopoly money in return for crack--lay off the crackpipe. not only will your business be a lot more lucrative, but you won't have to deal with the cops finding your shiftless customers who you beat in an angry rage when you suddenly realised that the US Government does not offer little blue fifty dollar bills.

congratulations: for the first time ever, we have both a crack dealer and his client who have simultaneously qualified as crack smokers who are too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker.

***
1 answer: because that requires a bit more reasoning capacity than a crack smoker who buys crack with monopoly money probably has.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
memorial day weekend is finally over. if you're like me, you celebrated the holiday with lots of tasty beer and meat. however, if you're like the target audience of this little feature, you probably paired your memorial day goodies with a fine crack rock. however, the weekend is over, and it's important to remember how to stay out of trouble. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • i understand. the economy stinks, and it's kind of hard to get a job. this makes it difficult if you're a crack smoker, since crack isn't particularly cheap. this also makes it difficult if you have children, since child care, food, and diapers are also rather expensive. my suggestion, if you are a crack smoker who has had the poor foresight to breed, is to set aside the crack until all of your children are eighteen. you need the money, the consciousness, and the energy to keep your kids well-cared-for...it takes a lot. what i don't suggest is that you take your kids in the car with you while you turn tricks for crack money. yes, i understand that you want your crack, and i understand your kids are going to need to learn a trade one of these days. however, it's not a particularly bright idea to combine the two, and it only means you're going to get in bigger trouble when you get caught. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Rob for this tip!]
  • don't trust crack dealers. just...don't. sometimes they're going to sell you fake crack. sometimes they won't even make a pretense of it...and just snatch your money, shove you down to the ground, and drive off. that just hurts...you're $100 poorer, with no crack to show for it and no meaningful legal recourse.
  • if you're going to smoke crack in someone else's house, make sure that they're okay with you smoking crack there. make sure they're not going to let Officer Friendly into the house to search it while you've got some crack in your hand...otherwise, it's better to smoke your crack at your own residence, or at the residence of someone you can trust not to let the cops in. furthermore, if Officer Friendly sees that crack in your hand, you're sunk. just let it go. don't drop it on the floor and start stepping on it. unless you've invented magic anti-cocaine shoes1, stepping on crack doesn't magically turn it back from highly illegal crack to perfectly legal baking soda.
  • if the local constabulary has done their job when they arrest you, they have already informed you that you have a right to remain silent. silent does not mean talking about your stash in the back of the squad car. silent does not mean discussing your plans to lie and say you didn't know what was in the car. silent does not mean discussing how you need a flat-blade screwdriver to get to the crack and crack pipes hidden under the passenger seat of your recently-impounded car. police often have these things called "cameras" in the car, and these new-fangled devices are equipped to capture both video and sound. anything you say can and will be used against you, and you just managed to bust yourselves for crack possession.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or send it via a test of the emergency broadcasting system.

***
1 if you have invented those shoes, please let me know! that would definitely be some News Crack Smokers Can Use!
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
one of today's overheard in new york posts was too pertinent not to share:

Annoyed commuter: Shut up, you jobless crackhead piece of shit!
Crackhead: Fuck you, man, I got a job! I sell crack.
--A Train


the contributor didn't provide any information of what became of the crackhead. no matter what happened, though, this vignette provides the groundwork for an important lesson for all crack vendors.

i can totally understand why a crack smoker would want to sell crack...there's a lot to be said for doing what you love. if you love to smoke crack, you can understand why your customers love crack so much and you can take great joy in providing it for them. it's also a job that doesn't wane too badly when the economy is as bad as it is: no matter how the dow, the vix, or any other economic indicator looks, crack smokers are clamoring to smoke more crack.

however, i suggest that you not scream at the top of your lungs in a public place that you are a crack dealer. one of those nice people sitting on the subway train reading a newspaper may be a member of your local constabulary. even if he's not supercop, he probably knows that dealing crack is extremely illegal, and will relish the opportunity to brag to his fellow law enforcement officials that he took one more crack dealer off the streets...or off the subway, as the case may be. it's better to let the people needle you a little bit, keep your big mouth shut, and sell your crack on the down-low.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
i failed at life last week, and was so tired from scavhunt and other non crack-related shenanigans that i did not provide the crack smokers of the world with any News. for that, i am sorry. however, i am back, and i have a few new suggestions for how to stay out of trouble. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • colour televisions with remote controls are all the rage. they're new, they're hip, and everybody wants them. so, it's no surprise if someone is willing to trade you something valuable for your paragon of cutting-edge technology. however...if you plan to profit from your ownership of such a fantastic contraption, i suggest that you trade it for money, or for some other contraption that does not run afoul of the law. please refrain from trading that television for crack. any crack smoker worth his salt should know by now that if a crack dealer wanted a new-fangled colour television, he would either steal it (if he were extra-sneaky or extra-stupid) or purchase it with all of that money that he is making from his crack dealing operation. giving anything more traceable than cash money to a crack dealer is only asking for trouble.
  • speaking of the hottest new trends, the year is now 1995, and some people have discovered that baggy pants are cool. however, if you're carrying crack in your baggy jeans, wearing a belt may be a good idea. otherwise, if the police see you leaving a crackhouse and take a little interest in you, your pants may fall down when you raise your arms during the search. not only might it be a little embarrassing for the cops to see your drawers, but that crack you just bought in the crackhouse may fall out of your pockets for all the world to see. take it from me: this is a stiff price to pay for the privilege of being on board with the hottest decade-and-a-half-year-old fashion trend.
  • part of being a crack dealer is actually selling the crack that you have offered up for sale. in fact, that is the very thing that makes you a crack dealer. you are providing a valuable service to the crack-smoking public, and you're doing the world no good if you run away as soon as your customer has shown up to the door. it's irrelevant whether you get bad vibes from your new client or not--you have nothing to lose by going through with the deal. if you think your customer is a member of your local constabulary, and you're right, he already knows your location and your cracktastic vocation, and will haul you off to jail whether you sell the crack to him or run away. if you are wrong, and the customer is just a run-of-the-mill crack smoker, the crack smoker will either bust a cap in your ass, tell his crack smoking friends that you don't actually sell crack [thus eviscerating your business's reputation], or both. you have nothing to lose by selling the crack--and everything to lose by running away.
  • frequent readers of the News should know that it's usually a futile endeavour to run from the cops after they have caught you with crack. unless you're extremely sneaky and a champion runner, you're probably going to get caught. however, if you eschew most common sense and decide to run from Officer Friendly, at least try to run along a route with relatively few obstructions, or with obstructions that you know well but may slow down the police just a bit. whatever you do, try to avoid getting clotheslined by an honest-to-God clothesline. if you do that, you're not only going to get arrested, but you're going to look like a charter member of the Keystone Krack-smokers.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or print it on a sign and wave it near the corner of addison and southport later this afternoon.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
usually i do about four stories a week. however, april showers bring may flowers, and this may, the true stupidity of the crack smoking public is flowering like never before. the seedy depths of the interwebstubes have provided a bumper crop of stupid things people have done this week in the name of crack, and i'm passing the savings [and edification!] on to you. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • a recurring theme in the News is the fact that having or selling crack is illegal. it's a basic legal principle that if something is illegal, and Officer Friendly sees you doing that particular thing, he can put you under arrest and haul you to jail. [in fact, he doesn't even need that much--but probable cause is a little more complicated, and this is Criminal Law 101 For Crack Smokers.] this is why it is so crucial to smoke or sell your crack covertly--so the cops don't see you. in short...it doesn't take a "Supercop" to end your crack dealing career if you're selling it in the parking lot of the local police station. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Rob for this tip!]
  • being the victim of an armed robbery sucks, whether you are a crack smoker or not. however, you may want to think twice about involving the local constabulary in the case if you were using that robbed house as a large-scale crack cooking operation. keep in mind that if the police know you were robbed, they'll probably want to search the house for evidence. if you don't let them search the house for evidence, they'll think something's fishy. if they notice people carrying bags of crack from the house to a known crack house, they'll *know* something's fishy. so, if your crack factory is robbed...either let it slide, or remove all traces of your crack factory before even thinking about telling the cops.
  • "it's not my crack" is a pretty weak defense as it is. usually, if you're at the point where the police have found a cigarette pack full of crack rolled up in your pants, you're sunk. if you tell the police that it's not your crack, it won't negate the fact that you were carrying it, and you're in trouble. this week, we learn that even if it was counterfeit crack you were carrying in your pants, "it's not my crack" will never work. why? most crack smokers aren't aware, but it's a crime in most places to carry counterfeit crack. so, despite your protestations, the police will test it...and if they find that it's not real crack, you're in trouble even though your claim that it wasn't your crack was technically correct. [a big persecuted crack smoker thanks to Taryn for this tip!]
  • i know that many people find pez dispensers to be kitschy and awesome. some people may find them so interesting that you want to see how it feels like to be one. however, if you ever feel the need to channel your inner pez dispenser, i suggest you try it with pez candies, jolly ranchers, plastic toys, or something else that's legal. if you're a crack dealer, and you're standing out on the street popping crack out of your mouth like you're a pez dispenser...that might arouse a little suspicion.
  • paying for medical care is far more difficult than it should be nowadays, and doctors who try to make it easier for their clients to get the care that they need should generally be applauded. however, there's a difference between flexible payment schemes and leveraging your position as a doctor to get free crack. i know it sounds easy and painless to go to the local crack house and trade pain pill prescriptions for your precious crack rocks, but there may be repercussions. doctors are in a position of trust, and you're not going to gain a lot of business if your clients find out that you're smoking crack in your spare time. sure, you get free crack for a couple of weeks, but then you're just going to lose your job and go to jail.
  • if you're drinking beer, don't drink natty ice. if you put a picture of yourself on your cell phone wallpaper, don't hold up a big chunk of weed in the picture. if you're carrying crack, don't tell the cops you're not carrying anything illegal, but then consent to a search. if you're carrying crack in a cigar tube, don't tell the policeman who is searching you that all you're carrying is a cigar tube. at least this walking Don't Be This Guy got two things right: he's stupid, and his grandma definitely won't be pleased.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or corner me at the happiest place on earth.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
the first heat waves of summer are descending upon us. that's the funny thing about crack...it's not seasonal. as much as crack smokers love to stay warm in the winter by smoking crack, the crack also helps keep them cool [or, at least, high...] in the summer. knowing this, i have again scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • hiding your crack in a coffee cup is not very clever. crack rocks are hard, and they're going to make a clinking noise when you walk around with the coffee cup. the local constabulary will probably hear the clink-clink-clink and get the feeling that those probably aren't sugar cubes in there. the local constabulary will definitely get that feeling if you shoplift while you're carrying the crack rocks in your coffee cup. a free pair of socks is seriously not worth forfeiting your crack rocks.
  • i'm with you there...being alone can suck sometimes. it's really easy to get in an antisocial rut, and you have to think of something interesting and creative to shake up your social life and meet more people. you can always join a club or a sports team if you need something platonic, or try a speed dating night or a pickup bar if you're into something a little friskier. however, since this is News Crack Smokers Can Use, i hope you can see where this is going. specifically, if you're carrying crack around and you tell Officer Friendly that you're using it to get companionship, he's not going to feel sorry for you, hug you, and let you go home. he will take your crack away, and you'll be in jail, lonelier than ever. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this tip!]
  • gift cards are a fantastic invention: they're a lot easier to carry around than paper gift certificates, and they provide the ability to give someone a gift tailored to an interest of theirs, while still giving the recipient flexibility in what exactly they buy at their favourite store. however, they haven't quite made their way to the crack industry yet. your friendly neighbourhood crack dealer is probably not yet issuing his own gift cards...and, for good reason, since it would be expensive to start issuing them, a lot of hassle to keep the Crack Rewards Gift Card Program going, and detrimental to the business if the police found any of these gift cards lying around and traced them back. these same traceability problems that make crack-specific gift cards a bad currency for crack dealing also make them a suboptimal barter material. please, crack smokers...don't steal someone else's credit card number, buy gift cards with it, and use these gift cards to buy crack. stick to buying that crack in cash...even if you paid the exorbitant fees for cash advances on that stolen credit card, they don't write down the serial numbers, so it's just a bit safer.
  • finally, i have a happy [and--gasp--non-sarcastic!] story about one of our dear readers. he wrote to let me know that he was pulled over, cuffed, searched, and accused of buying crack. however, thanks to the common-sense advice he has received from being a regular reader of News Crack Smokers Can Use, he knew that it was a bad idea to be driving around town and carrying crack. he took that advice to heart, and did not have any crack on him that fateful day. so, this story has a happy ending: since our loyal reader knew not to stash any crack in his car or on his person when he was out on the town, he could go on his merry way, and he is at home and [hopefully] reading yet another installment of the News! ♥
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or corner me at the happiest place on earth.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
never fear...i have not forsaken you, my dear crack smokers. between certain non-cracky entertainments of the weekend and the ensuing con plague, i have been delayed. however, i have not been stopped altogther...and, again, i have again scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • being a gang intervention specialist means you have to have some credibility with the local crack dealers. you need to know them, not play down to them, and be someone they can feel comfortable turning to when they decide to stop selling crack and start living life on the right side of the law. however, it undermines your credibility as a gang intervention specialist if you spend your spare time selling crack. sure, you're technically intervening with gangs by either cooperating with them or providing their drug peddling operations with a little competition; either way, something tells me that's not what the boys and girls club had in mind when they hired you.
  • wal-mart is not the flea market. you can't just go to wal-mart, bring your wares, and expect to be able to sell them without being ejected from the premises for trespassing. this applies in the case of perfectly legal things to sell. this also applies in the case of crack. then again, if you're silly enough to think you can sell your drugs at wal-mart, you are also very likely to be careless enough to draw the attention of the local constabulary on the way over. the moral of the story? home is where the heart is, and it's also where your crack should be.
  • if you're a crack smoker, the first thing you should invest in is a crackpipe. the crackpipe is the one necessary accoutrement for any crack smoker...it's the thing in which you can smoke your crack. it's cheap, it's easy, and it's safer than other alternatives. if you're really that averse to getting a crackpipe, get your hands on some spark plugs; they're supposed to be useful for the purpose. however, if you don't want to burn things down and get caught, please refrain from smoking crack out of a plastic bottle full of rubbing alcohol. you're just asking for trouble, doing that.
  • picking up hitchhikers is generally a bad idea in this day and age. sure, the person you pick up could be perfectly legit, but he could also be armed and dangerous. picking up hitchhikers is especially a bad idea when you are a crack smoker who is already on probation, and not allowed to be more than 100 feet away from your home. if you had already broken that rule earlier in the day, and Officer Friendly was nice enough to let you off, you should cut your losses. you shold not get in your car, drive more than 100 feet away from home, give a ride to a guy who pays for it in crack, and expect not to get sent to the slammer. that's pressing your luck way too far.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or print it on your shirt and walk around wrigleyville until you run into a chick with blue hair and an eyebrow piercing.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
everyone says we can depend on two things: death and taxes. News Crack Smokers Can Use is here to tell you that there is a third thing we can all depend on: the silly exploits of the crack-consuming population. as proof ofthis, i have again scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • i can understand inviting your dealer over to your house to smoke a little crack: your dealer is the one who keeps your crack supply well stocked, and sometimes it's nice to share the pleasure with such a benevolent soul. however, letting your dealer come over to smoke a little crack with you won't necessarily be enough to settle the debt if you haven't been paying your crack dealer. seriously, that's even stupider than inviting the repo man over for a beer when you're five months behind on car payments. at least there are a few legal constraints to what a repo man can and can't take. since the crack trade operates completely under the law, there's nothing stopping your dealer from taking your television to pay off your crack debt. the local constabulary is not going to be likely to try and recover your television when they realise that they could instead just bust you for being a crack smoker. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Rob for this article!]
  • it's a good idea to be an otherwise conscientious citizen if you're a crack smoker. if you make sure that you're otherwise out of trouble, the police will be less likely to be on your tail and notice that you smoke crack in your spare time. that means, if you owe a small-potatoes fine, it's a good idea to pay it. however, leave the crack and the crackpipes at home when you go to the police station and pay it. if you can't bear to be away from your crack for that long, though, at least remember to take your crackpipe off the dashboard when you're parking at the police station. call it...common sense for crack smokers.
  • we've talked quite a bit about making sure to avoid a silly street name, in order to avoid getting mocked when you get caught and your moniker appears in the paper. however, just as important is making sure that you can live up to your nickname if it implies that you are somehow desirable or competent. specifically, if you're known as "Magic" on the street, it may be a good idea to avoid selling $3,000 worth of crack to Officer Friendly. it also may be a good idea to make sure that your co-conspirator is not found with a few hundred dollars inside his derriere, since people may wonder what kind of spell you cast to put it there.
  • what ever happened to old-school craftsmanship? say what you will about the guy from last week who had so much crack residue on his stove that it got confiscated...at least he didn't try to take short-cuts, and lovingly cooked his crack over a real stove. some crack makers just don't care anymore. seriously? cooking crack in a microwave? how are you going to keep the crack over the heat while you press out the bubbles? how are you going to make sure the crack cooks evenly, so each hit is as cracktastic as the last? all i know is, if you're going to cook your crack in the microwave, make sure you don't get caught, or else you're going to be the laughingstock of every hoity toity cocaine chef in the neighbourhood. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thanks to Taryn for this article!]
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or wave a sign from the crowd at the next white sox game.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
for the first time ever, someone actually found this blog by searching for the phrase news crack smokers can use. this makes me inordinately happy. thank you, whoever you are! ♥

in other news, here are a few more recent searches that led here:
  • why do crack smokers keep baking soda: that's pretty simple. you see, sometimes crack smokers face an emergency...they have powdered cocaine, but they can't find any crack. since powder is less cracktastic than crack, ingenious crack smokers need to keep baking soda around so they can cook it themselves.1 [and, if there's plenty of crack to go around, i'm sure it's pretty fun to mix baking soda with vinegar and red food dye when you're on crack. then again, that's also extremely entertaining when you're not on crack.]
  • how much time u do for 23 bags of crack: it depends on how much crack is in each bag. even though it's hard to miss little details like this when so much of your mental capacity is focused on the wonders of crack, bags come in different sizes. in order to figure out how much time you're likely to do for those 23 bags of crack, the sentencing guidelines will probably take into account the weight of the crack, your criminal history, whether you had a gun, what colour your shirt is, and what you ate for breakfast this morning. then again, the sentencing guidelines are messy enough to puzzle through if you're a lawyer--if you're a crack smoker and still manage to make good sense of them, you should probably stop smoking crack because there is a good chance that you are the next Einstein.
***
1 take note, whoever googled what can you use to cook crack. it's not hard...it's just baking soda, water, and cocaine. that's it.
faceless_wonder: posing with my blue hair, in an NYC subway station. (Default)
we have not yet reached the day when we have a widely available technology to make crack completely unpalatable to crack smokers. since we have not yet reached this pinnacle of science, i have again scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • if you learn one thing from the News Crack Smokers Can Use, it's that anything crack-related must be done sneakily. smoke crack in the comfort of your own home. sell crack far away from busy areas populated by people who don't smoke crack. and, if you don't remember anything else, please remember that it's a bad idea to stand on a busy street in Brooklyn and scream into your cell phone about how you shot a rival crack dealer. the local constabulary won't just laugh and submit it to Overheard In New York. they'll arrest you, and your crack dealing career will grind to a screeching halt.
  • on that same note, it's also a pretty bad idea to make a youtube video in which you rap about your crack dealing exploits. people might see it. in fact, it's also bad to be in cahoots with a crack dealer who is rapping about his exploits on youtube. he'll drag you all down with him...it's not a good situation. crack dealing should be a sole proprietorship. if you can't adhere to that rule, at least put your colleagues through a strict vetting process and make sure that they are just as committed to secrecy and sneakiness as you are. otherwise, things like this will happen, and it's just not worth it.
  • i can't blame you for cooking crack. someone's got to do it, and cooking crack gives you the pleasure of making something yourself. however, make sure to clean up after yourself...that means if your pans of crack boil over, you may want to scrub all the crack off of your cooktop. otherwise, not only will Officer Friendly be hauling you off to the police station, but he'll also be hauling your oven there. that can't do much to enhance your reputation with local crack smokers.
  • sure, technically you're right in saying that you're coming back from the drug store when you're coming back from buying some crack. crack is a drug, and i guess any location where you buy things is a store of sorts. however, this excuse is not likely to keep you out of trouble when the police see you walking out of a known crackhouse. it's especially likely to fail if you consent to a search, but then hold your hat on your head and tell the cops that they can't search your hat. clearly, that means your hat contains crack instead of a brain.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or hang a poster with your tip outside my window.
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